Bond. Trauma bond.
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It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
just got my engagement photos
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Its a hippotatomus
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.