Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
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My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I feel it
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”