Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
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2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
No way!
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work