asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
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I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.