My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
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I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Good morning y’all ☀️
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.