Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
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3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?