Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
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IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her