Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
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Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.