Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
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*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.