My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
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Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.