Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
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I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.