My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
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ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
opening twitter today
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!