*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
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If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders