Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
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What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well