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The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
True?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Become ungovernable.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what