When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
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Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
#Caturday
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?