I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
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Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
asked my bf how work was today
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman