DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
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Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
(True)
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
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