Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
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To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
The honesty is refreshing
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?