I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
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if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
classic mixup
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair