Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
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My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
The biggest mystery of our time
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
called in thicc to work this morning
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s