John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
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How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.