I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Dammit Chief not again
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.