[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
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“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Day 2 of my diet
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.