Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
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What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
We’ve all been there…
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I’m literally crying
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.