Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
You Might Also Like
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
The 6 types of sex
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.