I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
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People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.