What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
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There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
An odd boast
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.