my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
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[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*