HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
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Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
This classic never gets old . . .
I feel this so hard
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.