Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
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Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life