If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
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The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.