pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
You Might Also Like
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.