ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
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I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
This week’s mood.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I have two kinds of followers
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping