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My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.