“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
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The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.