CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
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Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat