I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
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People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*