Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
You Might Also Like
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Sharon, call the vet
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel