One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
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hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Perfect
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.