Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
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If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.