In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
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Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?