“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
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Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.