I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
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The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
inside you are two wolves
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
23. the denim jacket