Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog