Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
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Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
What the hell happened here.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!