When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
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me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
the only bumper sticker ill allow
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever