Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Has there ever been a more American story?
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?