i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
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Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
We avoided this particular disaster
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
This did not end as expected.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.