My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
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Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
I missed you with all my darts
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.